Remaining positive in today’s world can be tough. All around us negativity reigns. The news, social media, and even friends and family present a constant barrage of bad news and reasons to fume. I believe there is an effective method to remaining positive even in the most awful of circumstances. As long as you can remember the first three letters of the alphabet, you can employ this method to stay calm. It is truly that easy.
The ABCs of positivity are:
- Assume good intent
- Believe in the plan
- Choose to be happy
Let’s start with the A, which stands for “assume good intent”. Have you ever unintentionally wronged someone and tried to apologize, only to find them unforgiving? I have. I generally feel really bad about it too and just can’t believe they won’t let it go.
Here’s an example: I am driving home from work, on “auto-pilot” after a particularly challenging day, and realize I will miss my exit unless I cut across 3 lanes of traffic, narrowly missing several other drivers who are most displeased with my inconsiderate driving. I truly don’t mean to upset the other drivers and I can certainly understand their angry gestures, so I wave an apology and expect them to instantly forgive me – after all, it was a simple mistake.
Here’s another example: I am at work and it’s another particularly challenging day (I seem to have a lot of those). I schedule a meeting and, in my haste, I forget to invite a key staff member. When the staff member realizes I didn’t invite them they jump to all sorts of conclusions about why I didn’t invite them: “who does she think she is?”; “she must think she knows it all”; “what am I – chopped liver?” As soon as I see the error, I quickly extend the invite, and expect to be easily forgiven – after all, it was a simple mistake.
I could go on and on about the times I have unintentionally wronged someone – I am far from perfect. But what happens when we are wronged by someone else’s simple mistake? Do we forgive others as quickly as we expect to be forgiven? Or do we instantly become enraged and assume the offense was purposeful?
For some reason, we have a tendency to think others are “out to get us” or inconsiderate or rude when they make mistakes. I can’t count the times someone has walked through a door before me without holding it open for me to walk through. Many of those times I have uttered a sarcastic “thank you” under my breath. Rudeness and a lack of common decency rank high on my list of pet peeves. After all, it doesn’t cost a single penny to be polite and thoughtful. During these times I have instantly assumed these people are rude and inconsiderate of others, but recently I did the very same thing and it was a simple mistake. I was walking through a building completely preoccupied with my thoughts as I hurried from one place to another when I rushed through a door without looking to see if someone was following me. A few steps later I realized that someone was indeed behind me and I gushed an apology hoping they would believe me because I would never have intentionally acted so rudely. I’m not sure they believed me, but it made me realize that I was guilty of doing something I had been disgusted by so many times before. It also made me realize that perhaps the people that had allowed doors to close in my face were also preoccupied and truly didn’t realize I was there. Finally, it made me realize I had been so quick to assume their bad intent rather than their good intent.
I have committed to the concept of assuming good intent when I am wronged, because I have wronged others so many times without bad intent. Therefore, it is entirely possible that those who wrong me have no bad intent. There are certainly rude, abrasive and inconsiderate people in this world, but there are many, many more of us who are not – at least not intentionally. So, let’s work together on assuming people mean no harm towards us, rather than that they do. Let’s forgive others as quickly as we would like to be forgiven for the simple mistakes we make all too often. And let’s assume good intent. I believe we will be much happier for it.
The B stands for “believe in the plan”. As a Christian, I believe that God has a plan for my life that is leading me towards wonderful things. Even in dark times, I am comforted by this belief. You may not share my faith, but instead believe that “everything happens for a reason”. I have heard countless stories of people going through rough times and coming out the other side stronger and even grateful for the struggle. I have heard stories of people faced with a terrible situation only to find that something better was waiting just around the corner for them.
I recently read a book about Steve Harvey who faced multiple hardships before becoming the famous comedian we know today. He dropped out of University, was laid off, divorced and became homeless before breaking through in the entertainment industry. A weaker man may have given up the dream after the first set back, but he continued to pursue his purpose and believes that the rough times ultimately led him to his fame.
I have my own stories and I’m sure you do too. Most of us have them because most of us have struggled at one time or another. But so many times in my life I have looked back and realized that I was meant to survive the storm to appreciate the rainbow when the sun shone again. One such time was my divorce. As a heartbroken divorced mother of two young boys at the age of 34, I had no idea how to be alone, and even less how to be a single parent. But little did I know that there was a good man in my future who has become my rock. Obviously, this is a drastically simplified version of my story, which contains highs and lows and twists and turns, but I can sincerely look back at those dark years and be thankful that my journey unfolded the way it did. I am now thankful for the darkness which taught me so much about myself and others. I am now thankful for the pain that allows me to help others in similar situations. And I am now thankful for the life I never would have had without first having the struggle.
When the going gets tough, remember there is a plan for your life. Whether you believe it was ordained by God or the Universe, it exists. There may be a struggle, but the outcome will far exceed your dreams and it will be worth it. By believing in the plan, your struggle will be less, and you will break through sooner than if you wallow in the misery. Allow yourself to be led to your next chapter and it will reveal itself to you.
The C stands for “choose to be happy”. One of my favorite quotes is “life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it”. Life is going to be good and it is going to be bad but, during the good and the bad, we can choose to be happy. This choice allows the good to be great and the bad to be bearable. It allows us to regain control of a situation when life is gloomy, by deciding how we are going to act despite hardship, pain or misery.
When I am wronged, I find it helpful to remember that my reaction is completely up to me. I can be mad/sad/angry, or I can let it go and choose to be happy in spite of the wrong. After all, why would I give another person the satisfaction of upsetting me when I can choose to be happy and not allow their actions to bother me? And why would I give anyone else that kind of power over my life? When I choose to be happy, I can move on and enjoy this precious gift of life, rather than wasting my short time on this earth in sadness.
This may be the most difficult of the three steps, because many of us have become so accustomed to the reaction of anger that it is now our automatic reaction. We can reverse this reaction with practice, but we must first be aware of it happening. Starting today, take note of the signs when anger or negativity overtake you so that you can begin to quickly recognize them in the future. Once you are aware of these signals and feelings, you can more effectively reduce your reaction and begin to consciously make the choice to smile, breathe, and focus on peace and positive thoughts.
I am a huge fan of personal mantras. Mine is “be happy, healthy and kind”, and I repeat this to myself when I feel anger or negativity rising as a reaction to someone or something. Feel free to adopt this mantra for yourself or choose another such as “expect nothing and appreciate everything” or “everything I need is within me”. I find it calming to repeat my mantra in times of stress, disappointment, anger and negativity, and I encourage you to try it when you are struggling.